...That's not great.

A little CityMama link love never hurt anyone.

I discovered CityMama and her (at the time) Portland-mama blog in mid-2004, just after she moved to the city and gave birth to her second (lovely) daughter, Wallie. I loved reading her stories about raising kids in Portland, the city of my childhood.

So, when I heard she was hiring bloggers to writer city-centric posts for The Savvy Source, I jumped at the chance to be involved; and I am honored to be part of the Savvy Team.

Today was the BIG reveal (go there NOW - she has giveaways!) on her personal blog, and I want to welcome any readers who have made their way here. If you live in the Puget Sound, I hope you'll hop over to Being Savvy Seattle, where I am posting and insider's look each weekday on adventures and activities for you and your preschooler to enjoy. And if you have any insight to offer on Seattle, I'm all ears.

Unsent, Volume 1: Don't Look Back.

J,

I was cleaning out Rubbermaid containers of old clothes this past weekend when I unearthed the United Colors of Benneton sweater set that you brought back for me from your study-abroad in Paris. More than I want to admit, it really is a beautiful Audrey Heburn-esque dark charcoal gray color and, honestly, I would probably would have put it back in my closet but for the moth holes. Well, the moth holes and the fact that it represents an embarrassing and painful period in my life; one that for a long time made me question my instincts. Our relationship when from intense to bad very quickly; so quickly that it took me awhile to figure out what was really happening. Once it was over, all I could do was move on with (in the words from a heartfelt card from a dear friend) "my life", because the rest? "No longer an option."  I've tried to to be too hard on myself when looking back, because, while I have made mistakes and mis-steps throughout my life, I love where I am RIGHT NOW. I recognize it is because of all my experiences, good and not-so-good. I know that you have changed your name to your wife's last name; although I'm guessing it has less to do with your pseudo feminism and more to do with an attempt to distance yourself from your own mistakes - and the law. I also have learned that you have achieved your life-long goal of becoming a doctor; but rather than waste my time wishing you ill (pun intended), I think it's a better use of my time praying I'll never need an organ transplant at the Mayo Clinic.

-B.

An announcement of sorts.

I have long been known as the go-to researcher amongst my family and friends.

"Just have Bethany figure it out and let us know."

or

"Have Bethany look it up; she has nothing better to do."

And, don't forget "The Packets" (inside joke for The Sister) from the family reunion in 2002.

So, when I heard about an opportunity to be the Seattle "City Expert" for the amazing on-line site, SavvySource, I jumped at the chance to be involved. I'll be the voice of Being Savvy: Seattle, posting daily about the great (free or low cost) activities that are out there in the community (I'm throwing a pretty wide net to include the general Puget Sound area). SavvySource is designed to provide parents of preschoolers (ages 2-6) information on local preschools, classes, and activities; and now they are rolling out "City Experts" in major metropolitan areas. Take a look; chance is there is a "City Expert" near you.

So, go on over, read up and leave us a comment. Let me know if there is anything in particular YOU want me to cover in my posts; the researcher in me will get right on it.

Kindergarten tears.

I cried everyday of kindergarten for the first four months of the school year. Every. Single. Day. Even though I had spent the past two years attending Montessori preschool at my church with no adjustment issues, something was markedly different in my kindergarten experience.

My mother was my teacher.

She was an experienced teacher by the time I entered her classroom in September of 1981, but this was a new challenge for her. She taught elementary school right out of college while my dad was in the Lutheran seminary, facing the needs of kids in St. Louis, Los Angeles and the Bronx. After my sister was born in 1970, my mother stayed home with us until I (the baby of the family) went to preschool at three years old. Because of this, she never had the opportunity to teach either of her other children.

As I recall, I cried because she did what all kindergarten teachers do: they make every single child in their class feel capable, special and important. In layman's terms; my mommy hugged other kids. And I was NOT happy about it.

"But you get to go home with me everyday!" my mother would tell me, "Next year these kids will move on to first grade, but I will be your mommy forever!"

When dealing with me rationally didn't work, she did what any other self-respecting mother would do in these circumstances: bribery. Apparently, I'll do anything for a set of Strawberry Shortcake Colorforms. I was able to pull myself together and end the daily flow of tears.

I've been thinking a lot about this situation because my son will be entering kindergarten next fall. Will his teacher provide an environment that feel as special as my mother did for her students? Will he or she care and nurture my son the same way my mother cared for her students during her thirty years of teaching? I'm hopeful that they will, and I'll be there every step of the way to ensure it. I believe that it's our job as parents to work with our children's teachers in ways that assist them in enriching the lives of every student in the classroom, not just my own.

And even though you think that it's odd enough that my mother was my kindergarten teacher, I'll also share this with you.

My father was my high school principal. Discuss.

What's in MY make-up bag?

Work and home have been pretty busy around here, and it seems that means either I post almost EVERY DARN DAY (like last week) or practically nothing (like this week).

Well, you do what you can.

I have a couple of posts in the hopper (how I'm doing on my resolutions, my thoughts about my son starting public school next year, my review of the new Mariah Carey album - REALLY groundbreaking, important stuff), but as a way of avoiding actually, ya know, FINISHING them, I'll tide you over with a view of "what's in my make-up bag?"

You can blame Slynnro for this. She's fabulous by the way.

I'll start in the upper left hand corner with my everyday make-up bag and then work in order of how I apply it on my face.  My products range from the basically cheep to the somewhat spendy.  You've been warned.

Sonia Kashuk make-up bag. They no longer sell this particular pattern at Target, but I can say that the bags from this line that I purchased have held up for over a year. I have some of the coordinating bags from the same line that I use in my gym bag and when I travel. This particular bag is great because the zipper extends all the way to the bottom of the bag, which allows the bag to open side and make it easy to quickly find what you need. I've also washed it in the washing machine and air dried it with no issues.

The Face
Smashbox Photo Finish. I know, I know; a foundation primer seems like a lot of work, put it really isn't. It just seems to really help make-up go on smooth and blend well. And this little jar lasts a long time. Try to pick a sample up next time you shop at Sephora and see what you think.

Neutrogena Healthy Skin Smoothing Stick. I use this to cover up any acne when I breakout or for dark spots on my face. I have tried A LOT of different brands of concealer, and I've found this brand and color a great match for my skin. Plus, it stays in place and is a great value to boot.

Trish McEvoy Shell Eye Brightener. I use this to assist in the massive undertaking that is the process of covering up my intense undereye circles. It is so light; and instead of COVERING the dark areas with a heavy make-up, it's more about reflecting light off the area (I learned this thanks to Carmindy!). If you use a product like this, be sure to touch up that dark inner area of your eye (near your nose). Trish's products are a little spendy (I have a friend who uses her products exclusively, and she loves them), but one stick lasts me a year.

Sonia Kashuk Pencil Sharpener. Spend where you need to, save when you can. I use this for the Eye Brightener and for any other cheap pencil eyeliner that I have. It works great and for a price of about $6, you can't beat it.

Bare Escentials Bare Minerals Foundation. I started using this again after I discovered a better color for my complexion within their line. I had ordered the "Fair" starter box, and the two colors included were not the right match. I now use both "Fair" and "Fairly Light". I do use (and LOVE) Full Coverage Kabuki Brush (the short stubby brush to the right of the Bare Escentials compacts). I also use the Light Stroke Brush if I have to cover up specific spots or blemishes.

Boots No. 7 Blush. I just needed a simple compact blush and this one fit the bill! I checked out the reviews online and liked the colors I saw in the store. I've only been using this for a couple of months, and I do like the color and the coverage. I apply it with the Flawless Application Face Brush. I had previously used a Mac blush brush for this, but the handle was too long to fit easily in the bag. The Bare Escentrials brushes are a high quality and last a long time. Brushes are a tool that it is good to spend a little bit of money on.

The Eyes
Eveliner and Mascara
Tip: For easy and smooth application of stick or pen eyeliner, hold the eyeliner tip under the warm air of a blowdryer to warm it up for a few seconds (not too long though, because, OUCH). It will then get a bit softer and easier to apply.

MAC Shadestick. I actually use this as an eyeliner, on the days when I want a smokier eye or am not applying any eyeshadow. It has an duller point and goes on really smooth. This has been a make-up bag staple for a few years.

CoverGirl Perfect Point Plus Self Sharpening Eye Pencil. For under $5, this is a great everyday eyeliner. It will give you a precise line and stands up pretty well for a full day of work and kids. Also, it's great to experiment with other colors (I recently picked this up in midnight blue) to figure out if a color works for you without spending too much money.

Loreal Lash Out Mascara. Susan recommended, so I went out and tried it, and do you know what? I REALLY like it. Before, when I was spending upwards to $30 on one tube of mascara, it was so hard to toss it in the trash after the recommended 3-5 months. Now, it's not a big deal.

Shadow and Brushes, etc.
Neutrogena Mineral Sheers for Eyes. For myself, I'm not big into wearing eye shadow every day, but I do like this combination of colors and wear it to work 3-4 days a week.

MAC Brushes. I use the #208 Small Angled Brow Brush and 194 Concealer Brush. Obviously, neither are used for their MAC-approved uses, but ever the rebel I am!

Sonia Kashuk Lash and Brow Brush. I use this to help separate my lashes. I love that it folds up.

Not pictured, but still important; my lipcolor. I've always, ALWAYS had trouble finding a color I liked and about a year ago I feel in love with a color by Boots No. 7, Sheer Temptation - Entice. However, just because I like the color, doesn't help me remember to reapply; but really, baby steps, people, baby steps.

Some of you that know me are thinking, "GOOD LORD, all the product for a so-so result?" Just remember, I spent YEARS getting to "so-so" and I am plenty happy with it. To quote Holly from Nothing But Bonfires, "You say tomato, I say you're saying it wrong."

Books and weather, in that order.

I am heading to Chicago in a few days to meet The Sister for a few days of debauchery.  Okay, that is a BIT of an overstatement as there will be conferences, panels, meetings and an infant involved, but a fun time will be had none-the-less.  And I can say for sure it will involve good food and a place called The Towers.

HOWEVER, I need your assistance in two areas:

1. I need a book for the plane - something light-ish or weepy (or a combination of the two).  Nothing political or self-helpy.  The Memory Keepers Daughter?  Something by Cormac McCarthy (I read an interview with him in a recent Rolling Stone, and decided I've been missing out)?
2. What to pack for the trip when the weather will be like this.  Living in Seattle, I am completely unaccustomed to humidity and I have no idea what to wear when the forecast is 50 degrees, with 60% humidity.  Usually any visits to the mid-west take place in the summer, so I don't have a good idea what spring is like.

Can anybody help a girl out?

Yesterday at Whoorl.

Yesterday at Whoorl in her Flashback Friday, she reveals her favorite childhood item - her beloved blankie - which she apparently sold down the river for a Dilly Bar.  She asked us what our favorite childhood item was.  Here was my response from her comments:

My husband still has his childhood “bear” that he allows/forces our son to sleep with.

I’m not the most sentimental person, so the item that I can’t seem to toss out has nothing to do with a beloved bear or blanket. It’s my scoliosis brace that I wore for three years, from 5th through 8th grade.

This was a painful time, both physically (the brace made my skin blister and I would sabotage it to be able to spend a day brace-free) and emotionally (I was relentlessly teased and called RoboCop 3). And in the end, it didn’t even serve it’s purpose as I still had to undergo a major spinal fusion surgery at 18. But, each time we move or re-organize, I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. It’s a reminder that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and that there is nothing external that defines who you are as a person.

Plus, it cost my parents $1,000 and would YOU throw away $1,000?

I've got more to say about that period of my life.  I don't spend time thinking about it, even though I feel that it has created the person who I am today.  Until then, here's proof that I actually still have it.

This was MY Friday night; how was yours?

When you have experienced four major surgeries, including one that includes a 20-inch scar, 2 metal rods and the words "spinal fusion", you know a little bit about pain.  So when mid-day last Wednesday, I start to experience a relatively intense pain on the right side of my back, I didn't get too worried about it.  I assume I had pulled a muscle or something in a strange way.  However, it's different pain than I have ever experienced related to my back issues.  I try heat and mega-doses of ibuprofen to no avail.  I'm hurting. 

By Friday afternoon, I'm emailing my boss on a few issues and she happens to ask me how my back is feeling (I'm working from home).  I let her know that I'm thinking it may not be my back at all; it could be my kidney, but I have no other symptoms (no fever, no "burning", etc.).  I tell her that I've been having to take 800-1000 mg of ibuprofen every 4-5 hours to take the edge of off the pain. 

I check my cell phone later that night around 7pm and find a voice mail from her that she left around 4pm, telling me that she was very concerned that it could be my kidney and that she wants me to go to the doctor as soon as I can.  So, I call my doctor's office after hour nurse line.  Apparently, I've basically overdosed myself on ibuprofen ("So, you didn't follow the directions on the bottle, did you?") and I need to get myself to the hospital within the next 4 hours.  Great; it's 7:30 pm on a Friday night.  That sounds like fun.

RD and I make the decision that I'll drive myself to the emergency room and we'll go from there.   The wait at the Overlake ER was tolerable, and I was back in a room after about 2 hours waiting.  By this time, about 8 hours had passed since my last (and apparently over-) dose of ibuprofen and I am in quite a bit of pain.  The nurse seem unimpressed with my lack of symptoms - "No blood?  No painful irritation?  No fever?"  And the ER Doc, "Well, you don't seem to be in much pain..." 

Yes, I am a grantwriting, coffee drinking, Banana Republic wearing, suburban mother of two with a bad morphine addiction so GIVE IT UP.  The truth is I'm a girl who knows a thing or two about pain (like wincing and the fetal position won't help me) who is happy to be in the ER watching a re-run of Frasier.  Well, I was happy after they hooked me up to an IV and gave me a dose of dilaudid.  Wow.  That Frasier and his brother are funny.

Well, thank god there was blood in my urine, because it bought me a CT scan (well, it bought Aetna a CT scan).  Where, lo and behold, the scan showed that I am the proud owner of multiple kidney stones.  Fancy that.  It was one of those moments that I was oddly proud and wanted to tell the doctor that, "I told you so!", but I knew it wouldn't do me any good since he has control over all the drugs.  Once my diagnosis was complete, I was given a prescription for Vicodin, two different apparatus to filter my urine in the hope of catching my stones (a travel one called "Calcucatch" that fits in a plastic bag for my purse, natch), and instructions to follow-up with my doctor.  However, since I was discharged 2.5 hours into my lovely dose of dilaudid, I had an hour or so to kill before I could drive myself home.  I compromised by driving myself a block down the road to the Denny's so I could at least eat while I waited.  Buttermilk pancakes never tasted so good.

It's now Monday evening, and it would be really lovely to be able to wrap this story up with "And then I passed three teeny tiny stones and felt much better!!", but I haven't and I don't.  I stayed home from work today, but RD will be driving me to work tomorrow and a friend will drive me to see my doctor.

Because, really?  I'm so over it.

And it's not even my birthday yet!

I had a rotten weekend recovering from all the friend drama on Friday, and spent the whole day today in interviews, then had a discussion/argument regarding said drama.  AND, I feel a sore throat coming on.  So when I came home this evening after work to a birthday present from my sister-in-law, there was no way I was waiting until tomorrow to open it.  I was very happy to find pair of boots from Lands End that I had requested for Christmas (which I totally forgave her for when I opened a new Coach purse instead).

          
I HEART them.  I sort of wanted Uggs, but not Uggs, ya know?  They fit perfectly and are so toasty warm.

Once I opened the first present, I sort of (ahem) demanded my gifts from RD and the kiddos.  I am notoriously impatient and frankly I wanted to see if he had the forethought to purchase my present before my actually birthday (while his intentions are good, his follow-through is not).  He did protest, but RD knows when to quit when he's ahead.  While he had the gifts in hand, he did not have them properly prepared.  So while I took two Tylenol PM and got in bed; he "wrapped" the items (wrapped is in parenthesis due to the fact that the end result was the Starbucks gift card wrapped in tissue in the mac and cheese box from dinner and a clue on city letterhead giving me a clue to where he hid the iPod).  Just when I had actually given up hope that he had purchased said birthday presents before my birthday, the kiddos burst into our bedroom with my card (actually a left over Bubba birth announcement) and the mac and cheese box.  I had requested the iPod (which is currently charging next to me this very minute), the Starbucks gift card is a thoughtful touch. 

And I will definitely be using it tomorrow morning - that is, if this almost sore throat doesn't turn into the real thing.

More about resolution number three or the body image post.

I do not claim to be overweight.  And, yes, there are much more important things to worry about in this world; like war, hunger, and injustice.  But hey, I'm sure Angelina has her week moments, too.

I never really had to worry about my weight or have issues with my body image in my teen years.  I was lucky, I played multiple sports in high school and never had to worry about what I ate.  I never stood in front of the mirror lamenting that my butt looked to big or my face looked too fat.  I was blissfully unaware. 

There isn't a need to get into exact numbers here about how much I weigh (because I believe it is inconsequential to this conversation); I will say, however, that I plan to lose 15 pounds.  When I got pregnant in 2002, I weighed 5 pounds less than I do now.  I gained 39 pounds by the time my son was born and after all that weight was lost, I went ahead and lost another 10 pounds. 

I gained 41 pounds during my last pregnancy (and, in theory, final) and I expected the weight to come off in the same reasonable time frame and manner.  It didn't.  I suffered a bit of post-partum depression and insomnia after her birth and went on an anti-depressant when she was about 6 months old.  She was a fussy breast feeder (a completely new experience for me, since all I had to do with my son was stick a breast in his mouth and he was happy), and the medication I was taking to try to increase my supply was MAKING ME BATTY.  I've always had some anxiety (yeah for coping mechanisms!), but the depression was a new issue for me.  Soon things evened out and I was able to better enjoy my family.  For the most part, I was happy to take the medication; there should be no shame in getting help (Tom Cruise - I'm looking at YOU!).  I just wasn't sure if taking them is something I wanted to do indefinitely.  I tolerated them well (just a bit of sleepiness the next day if I took them to late in the evening), but I sort of felt that my emotions were muted.  This, of course, works well for muting the lows, but I felt that I was missing out on some of the highs (legal, of course) of life.  I decided, sort of by accident by not refiling the prescription, to work my way of the medication last month. 

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, WEIGHT.

I read somewhere a few years ago that if you are not happy with yourself at your current weight, losing it won't make you happy.  That resonated with me, so I've spent the past year working on the mantra, "don't put off your happy life".  I'm dressing for the body I have, rather than the one I want.  I've accepted my 12-year old boy shape of no hips and a flat butt.  I have clothes that I feel good in, great highlights, and, more importantly, I am happy.

For all that, notwithstanding; I still want to lose 15 pounds.  And, I decided that I was okay with it.  It's okay to want a little bit more for yourself.  Frankly, I am so tired of thinking about doing something about it.  And while it is about the weight, it's also about well-being and health.  I'm going to get back in the gym and work out.  I feel so. much. better. when I work out.

To most people, the change in my body won't be noticeable.  But, honestly, I'm not doing it for anyone else but me.  And that is exactly how it should be.